8.27.2011

for killing monsters


last friday, when tranda was all “omg a huge roach just ran across the platform right in front of my flip-flopped foot” it occurred to me that i hadnt seen a single waterbug all season. the last time i’d seen one was in the fall, in the basement bathroom of my favorite neighborhood sports bar.

(which will remain unnamed as it gets crowded enuff as it is on a sunday, and i don’t need all five of you going there n potentially snagging the last seat at the bar before i can get there, the next time i go to watch my jets. ive been lucky so far with this place, but not only do i have THE WORST LUCK but i also am one of the slowest-moving humans walking the earth so it’s actually a wonder ive made it to said bar before the games are over, ever. not to mention getting a seat. so i'm not gonna mess with that luck. tuff noogies.)

i told the cute bartender sarah that there was a monster in the bathroom and that someone should probably kill it. she sent a dude downstairs to deal with the slaughter and that was that. it’s been about nine months since then and i had the luck of not seeing a SINGLE waterbug monster in all that time.

and that is sure saying a LOT guys. 

for a little over a year of my life, i could hardly go one week without seeing one of those bastards.

no, really. 

when karen, amy, n i lived in astoria together, us poor girls had like, and uncountable number of other, uninvited roommates. we experienced all kindsa roaches--long skinny light brown ones that died in our utensil drawers, small blackish ones that scurried behind the counter when we turned on the kitchen lights, fat round dark brown ones with hard shells. i saw a centipede scurry up the wall out of the corner of my eye as i was watching tv one night. we had a mouse that liked to gnaw on our bags of bread on top of the fridge and poop next to the coffee maker so we never knew if the mess was mouse crap or coffee grounds.

(i cleaned those counters a little fanatically)

then there was that rat in the wall for a couple of weeks that was surely trying to get thru to the other side..to join us and all the other damn pests..

(but then we got one of those lil things u plug into the wall thats supposed to send waves out to scare various vermin off..and it worked i guess cuz the nightly scratching inside the wall finally stopped.. anyway, that gadget did nothing to deter those waterbugs. man. what a bummer that was.)

on the day we looked at this totally infested apartment we really shoulda been suspicious of the extra-large-roach traps that were all over the place. and maybe we should have refused to park our stuff there until the

(SLEEZEBALL)

landlord promised to deliver on some actual, professional exterminating after my three-year-old nephew's wee-wee almost got hopped on by one of those damn monster waterbugs as he was trying to pee in the toilet on that very day.. i mean, poor lil guy, he was probably able to count on one hand the number of times he had peed in a toilet so far in his life, and this MONSTER is in the toilet while he's trying to do so and all his mother could do was scream and make his father go in there and kill the bug with a broom..i mean, it wasnt as if i could ignore this dramz goin down, u know? so i shouldve really had some hesitations about calling this place my new home before making some pest-control decisions, but u know what?

love is blind, bitches!

we loved that place! so, we stocked up on some cans of raid and threw some more of those ridiculously large roach traps around the apt and that was that. whatever. maybe it was just that one waterbug. probably. yeah.

but.. then we started to get some visits. 

like the night i reached over to my nightstand for a sip of water and saw something scurry from under my bed to under the nightstand..and just ignored it. i was probably seeing things, i thought. well, i should say, i very drunkenly determined and then passed out..

or the morning i awoke about two hours before the alarm to some screaming and slamming and a little more shouting and then.. nothing. i was a little alarmed, but honestly i did not want to know what might have caused this yelling if it involved having to defeat some terrifying beasts. alas, i found out a couple of hours later that the most horrible thing ever had happened to amy.

she was sleeping, pleasantly, when she slowly woke up. she heard that light scratching on her pillow that anyone with long hair or sleeping partners with long hair hear thru the night. she thought, oh, my hair must be blowing across the pillow! but then she realized that her hair could not have been blowing across her pillow, as there was no window open in her bedroom, and she did not have a fan on.. so she opened her sleepy, almost-blind, contactless eyes, and turned a bit to the left, to see what was beside her making all this noise. and of course, it was a waterbug. right there. in her face. in her hair. on the pillow.

cue screaming, panic, broom-killing-of-monster-waterbug, etc.

amy never slept without her glasses on, ever again in that place. mostly she never slept in that apartment ever again because she could simply not relax. who could, after that? we saw several other of these jerk bugs loitering around rather consistently, so its not like amy ever got to put this terrible awakening behind her. so yeah. stuff like that happened and us poor ladies were a bit tortured. so not seeing those stupid bugs for a bit, like, a whole season..it was pretty great.

but then friday afternoon struck. i was just sitting at my desk, finishing up some work, when my coworker tina jumped up from her desk. a waterbug had crawled over her foot. and then..disappeared.

like, really? that can just happen? at work? in an office? why?! why can that just happen? why are these things always showing up where and when they want to? what do they want?! they're large enuff to see us as equals so maybe they just want to befriend us..? too bad they don't know shit and don't know that i'm not friends with anyone ugly, and maybe theyd leave me the fuck alone if thats actually what they want, cuz anyone who scares the shit out of me and/or my friends must be ugly inside, and out..and i hate them. jerks. really! unkillable jerks.

so i stand up and start lookin around. i know that monster is nowhere near where it had been seen making human-contact, so i go towards a darker area, and peer under carlos's desk to find this waterbug. of course, i saw it scurry out from under his desk, and then i screamed. i ran, waving my arms around all willynilly, shaking my head back and forth, picking my feet up real high, and found myself at the other side of the office.

ok. maybe i just darted across the office and let out a yelp, but whatever. it got someone's attention and the damn thing got deaded by another coworker, my hero of the hour. thank goodness.

i am so over pests. of any kind. and so, when my friend dave sent me this story and i realized that these guys were actually monsters, and they might be uprooted by this damn hurricane, i decided it was time to  start walking around with a tiger. idk where i'm getting this damn tiger, but if u guys have any leads short of robbing a zoo, get at me.

bottom line: remember that irene's wrath doesnt end with her wind and rain. we might have a bunch of monsters floating around in our neighborhoods cuz they been kicked outta their buildings, just like us. but, unlike us, they do not die easily. so hey, if u make it, whatever u gotta do to kill 'em, do it. good luck out there neighbors.

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