for fibromyalgia

before i had cable in my apartment, i’d listen to music in the morning whilst getting ready for work. nothing would interrupt my morning ritual, i could slowly wake up n prepare to face the day as i got dressed, and yeah i’d still be running late but i was happily undisturbed in my foggy morning-brain thoughts. but since i wasn’t giving myself any time to read the news, i really had no idea what was going on. anywhere. it was kind of nice having a current events vacation. ignorance really IS bliss! wellll kinda. i felt like a moron a lot of the time, not knowing what the heck anyone was talking about around the water cooler

(i just threw up in my mouth a little bit typing that)

[also it was more like a coffee machine and a water fountain as water coolers seem awfully un-green and expensive and therefore ancient but no1 has come up with a better phrase that i know of, so i’m forced to reference that one and i hate my apparent lack of creativity at the moment here.. forgive me, will ya?]

even tho half the time i didnt really want to engage in their convos anyway cuz i was either not awake yet, hungover, way too stressed out to stop long enuff to chat, or feeling too catty and antisocial to do so. there definitely were times i wished i’d been paying attention to the news tho. i mighta missed some big stuff in that time.

but now.

i have cable. oh, and a pretty nice tv.

(not that my last tv wasn’t loved. but my last tv was a pretty old tube television with a non-flat screen, which weighed more than me and i bought from my old roommate for a bottle of scotch two years ago, when i probably could have just taken it out of the trash, cuz i’m pretty sure that’s where she was putting it when she moved out..but hey i really wanted it.)

it’s great. im not above being hooked on television. yeah its sucking away my time and brain power and im doing less of THIS when im sitting in front of it, but it is a free country and i’ll do what i want. in fact, i’ll even take this time to complain:

now i spend most mornings getting ready for work whilst listening to the news. my lady likes to watch a certain morning show, so we usually have that on. i do enjoy hearing some tidbits of various kinds of news and reports, and sometimes a musical performance in central park, but there is one problem. one.

it’s fibromyalgia.

every. single. morning. i hear the same commercial for this drug lyrica that I GUESS is supposed to help with fibromyalgia. i mean, this woman is talking about it every morning and telling me how much happier she is, so i guess it works. but really? do you know what this does to me? i’ll tell you. i hear the word “fibromyalgia” in my head all day long. randomly. it pops into my thoughts while im editing. fibromyalgia pops into my head on the walk to the bathroom. i hear "fibromyalgia" in my mind as i am transferring trains on the way home from work. im thinking about fibromyalgia all day long. and i don’t even know what fibromyalgia is.

im trying very hard to not find out. i know ive determined that ignorance is not always bliss, but im really hoping that if i keep myself in the dark about fibromyalgia, i’ll be able to get the damn word out of my brain.

so far, no luck.

last week i broke my rib and last night my doctor prescribed me to some tramadol for the pain. i didn’t know what tramadol was, so i looked into it via the internets and guess what?! one of the main uses for this drug is to treat fibromyalgia. i can’t get away. fibromyalgia is taking over my life. or well, at least my brain.

so hey. if you or someone you know is being adversely affected by fibromyalgia, talk to your doctor. and keep it away from me.


for victories small and large

ive never been the activist type. i dont get uppity. actually, i get a little uppity, sometimes, but thats not saying much. it just proves to the world that i do have a pulse despite my generally even-keeled

[read: flat-lined]

nature. people say unfair things, racist things, derogatory things, and gossipy things, and they strike a nerve. and i'll defend the defenseless without pause. and if any of that has anything to do with those i love, you had better stop talking or youre going to see me get fired up. and its pretty ugly..im much more pleasing on the eyes when im not in this state. so you know, dont uglify me. my loved ones know this. now you do, too.

i treaded this one a little more lightly. this gay issue. its real controversial, you know.

so i only spoke up when it was necessary. and well, its been necessary forever. in college, whilst studying the civil rights movement of the 1960s via course loads upon course loads of african american lit

(i kept taking a.a. lit and russian lit classes and reading all this real depressing stuff, no wonder i drank so much back then..)

it hit me: this is the same shit as whats still going on with the gays. why wasnt anyone talking about this?? it made me crazy!

but you know, i was all closeted then and i wasnt about to get in someones face over the issue so i kinda hung back.

and then the issue trickled through some legislators hands and they said hey why not, and more of them gave their thumbs up and finally as we know, it hit the floor. the senate floor. like, really? is this really going to happen?

guys, my heart rate's been a bit elevated these last couple of weeks. along with my tweet-rate. along with my calling-of-legislators-rate.

(i never do that crap)

along with my pleading-with-my-parents-to-do-the-same-rate. my parents. they don't do that crap either!

(errr..not anymore, at least. i have a couple of pins from my dad's heyday of protesting ConEd and claiming to be an enemy of the state, and i'm pretty sure he was on the right side of the causes back then..but now he keeps it limited to ranting to us at family functions like all normal american family holidays should be spent. you know.)

but, they did it. they stepped up and made me proud. i was happily surprised by a lot of you out there, actually. you spoke up and did your part. and it really made my heart swell!

and now, here we are. we did it. we won. we will have our rights. in just 29 days. but who's counting..

anyway, i gotta say.. i wasn't feeling so hot last night. me n my boo were just gonna head home after work. we were supposed to head to a good friend's bday party, but we bailed. we needed to rest up for pride weekend!!

but then we realized this vote was coming up. so i went to meet my girl for a drink. i couldnt be sitting there at home all alone just waiting for this to go down! and then we heard they were playing ny1 at the stonewall inn, and we literally ran down there. and it was incredible. never in my life have i been in a crowded bar, on a friday night--and a gay bar, the friday of pride, nonetheless--when ppl were actually standing around in silence, whispering drink orders to bartenders, hushing one another, and watching THE NEWS.

im not sure what woulda happened if those senators didnt do the right thing. im not sure we wouldve spilled out onto the street from that historic bar and onto that historic sheridan square and rejoiced with our people, cheering, dancing, laughing, and celebrating. i think it wouldve turned ugly. and it wouldve been a riot, but not the funny-ha-ha kind. so im just really happy that those politicians didnt uglify us, and instead they stood up for what was right. cuz now we gonna have one of the most memorable nyc pride wknds, and its time to get it started.

cheers, queers, and our peers.


for marriage

i don’t really understand why people—straight and gay—say “gay people don’t want to get married anyway” in response to the debate about marriage inequality in the united states. i don’t think that anyone should be making that argument in justification for it not having been made legal by the federal government, or at


state levels.

it may be true for some gays, just as it is true for some straights. but first of all, why? because some of us aren’t trying to settle down and have families? well, why is that anyway? is it possible that maybe it’s been so long-ingrained in us that gay marriage is illegal and gays “can’t” marry, so we think we don’t even want it? it kind of gets ya into a thought process of, why should we all take relationships so seriously, i can tell myself i really am okay with just having sex with whomever and going home, i don’t need to be tied down because well, i can’t get married anyway..right? that might speak to some of us, and at some level i’m sure there are a few of us who acknowledge this lack of expectation to marry, combine it with a lack of desire to fight or go against the grain at all, and we therefore claim indifference to being denied such a right. we think, hey, we aren’t trying to hurt anyone, we aren’t trying to ruffle any feathers (unless they’re a part of my outfit, OKAY...!) by being openly gay, we just want to love who we love and be left alone... and so we sit back. we’re proud and we hope for acceptance, but we don’t want to fight. we don’t want to speak up and fight for anything, draw attention to ourselves, or ask for anything in return for or because of our DIFFERENCE. we certainly aren’t going to make a big stink about same-sex marriage. why should we? it’s fine. leave that to the straight people..

i think it’s unfortunate that this mindset might have contributed to the belief that gays don’t want to get married, because there are a lot of us who do want the option..even if we are too timid to put ourselves in the spotlight for the cause, and even if that spotlight is simply the eyes and ears of our friends and families. can’t we just have what everyone else has, without giving a reason for it? some of us want that. partly, because it is a right for the majority and not having that right makes one feel like a second-class citizen. i don’t like to admit that, or say it out loud, but it is true. maybe for some gays, admitting that to themselves hurts and they’d rather just say they don’t care.

for a while i thought i didn’t care.

but, i do care. i’ve been to

(and in some of)

the weddings of four people i grew up with, in just the last year. i have been able to celebrate their love with them. it has been a truly beautiful experience. i’ve laughed, i’ve cried tears of happiness, and i’ve danced the night away, all whilst dressed to the nines and surrounded by good friends and family. i’ve toasted and cheered and congratulated. and i’ve watched the happy couples enjoying their night and their company and their music and their love and their reflections on the past and their excitements for their futures. i feel honored to be included in these celebrations of love and commitment.

and it’s been getting me thinking- you know, i want that. why shouldn’t i get that? why don’t i get to have that in my life? i want my friends and family there with me to celebrate the beauty of my love. to celebrate the commitment i’m making to the love of my life. to be reminded for a day that there is love in the world -- i think seeing that helps one to feel, recognize, and appreciate it in one’s own life, and i think that experience feels so genuinely good that it really should be shared with those who are important to you. so maybe you’re gay and you don’t want that for yourself..but don’t you think that kind of a thing should at least be legal?

plus, you know i’d have a pretty kick-ass wedding. so, why not?

for tweets!

by the way, you should follow me on twitter @lez4pancakes


for cheese - everywhere

i might have to change the name of my blog to "Lesbians For Cheese" or maybe even "This Bitch Likes Cheese" if i keep writing posts like this. about cheese. truth is, i wasn't finished with my last entry. i had a lot more to say on the subject of cheese.

(let's be serious. who doesn't.)

but i'd gone for a run

(ready to hear how decrepit my body is from all the terrible things i put into it for years and years and years and still do?)


and i was so darn tired after writing those few words that i just had to get to bed so i just wrapped up whatever i was talking about, posted, and promptly fell asleep on my walk of four whole steps to bed from couch. and i didn't get into writing about how i want to put cheese on everything. sorta like i told you a while back about how i like to put syrup on everything? yeah. so now i'm sure you can foresee that you'll be learning about that picture of "me" up there. let's not yet jump ahead tho.

the reason i even went for a run in the first place

(aside from my masochistic yet true love for running)

was because it was time. there was no more justifiable reason to delay getting into shape when i noticed this one thing: the cheese had literally gone to my legs. yep. that's right. instead of muscles, i spotted, well, spots. on my legs. the ones that ARE, actually, not spots but dents.

i refuse to say the word that they actually are. instead, ima call them what i think they really are: cottage cheese. i'm pretty sure cottage cheese only showed up on my legs cuz it's one of the only cheeses i hardly ever eat, and since my lactose-intolerant body doesn't even want me to eat cheese, all the cottage cheese out there got jealous of all the other cheeses in the universe that my body rejects

(but i still eat anyway..obvs. i did mention my masochism, didn't i?)

and decided it'd get revenge by attaching itself to me forever. great! so now the cheese is even on my legs. i not only create dishes at restaurants and name them after myself when they don't have cheese on them, just so i can always have cheese in every possible meal, but i also grow cottage cheese legs. pretty sexay, ey?

but anyway, i like to request cheese on meals that might not have them on the menu. for example, those pictured pancakes. of course no chef would put that on their brunch menu. but i asked for it anyway. i'd had a long journey over the williamsburg bridge before sitting down with my boo at our table at bondi road, and i was hungover on top of that. so i was craving sweet and salty. i wanted pancakes, as i always, always do at brunch so i can drown them in syrup. but i also wanted cheese. cuz i always want cheese. so then, i ordered some silver dollar pancakes smothered in cheddar cheese. our waiter gave us the strange look i was expecting, we chuckled, and he was on his way.

but i got my pancakes.

the chef mighta come out "to see who the strange person was to make such an odd request" and i politely chuckled along again with him and the waiter until they watched me take a bite before they would leave. i took a bite, looked at my boo, and

(holding back drool and eyes-rolling-back-in-my-head)

i smiled. they were damn good. so good. i think about them a lot. i want them always. i'm sure i could make them on my own..but will they be as good as the ones at bondi road? probably not. and yet, has their chef put those pancakes on the menu yet? no. they haven't. so i say to all of you missing out on such a treat, go yell at someone else, i tried my best and you'd just better talk to the chef at bondi road cuz it aint gonna get onto the menu by itself.


for cheese

a friend of mine recently joined an online dating site for the very first time.

(i will bet my entire audience knows who that is, and i'm not ashamed to say that - i know i've got like two readers. what of it. i love you both.)

i'm super excited for this friend, cuz i think online dating is fantastic. i met my love on an online dating site.

(which you both already know)

so this friend starts talking profiles. you know, what should get added, what details should be left out, stuff like that. this conversation gets me thinking about what i put in my profile, those [many] moons ago, when i joined my site of choice. and you know what won me lots of charm points? can you guess it? hint: it's the best policy.

yep! honesty!

about cheese!



welllllll lemme be honest..partial honesty.

in the somewhat drunken stupor which i began filling my profile out, i see a spot to put my favorite things. so i'm like, well i sure do love cheese..imsa put that there.. 

and then, i'm pretty sure i went upstairs and refilled my wine glass, and swayed in front of the fridge for a while with the door open, looking for some cheese. at least until my roommate inquired from downstairs on the couch as to what i was doing and why don't i just bring the whole bottle down, and hurry cuz someone had already messaged her (she was a lot quicker at filling out her profile. most people are a lot quicker than i at most things.)and she wanted me to see his pics. 

i mean, probably. who knows really. i hardly remember writing the profile, never mind what i might've done after that. but hey. whatever else happened that night, the cheese worked. the sheer simplicity of cheese !won me my lady's giggle and a spot in her memory. 

so, i told my friend to be honest.

and then i remembered my second date with my girl, upon which we were ordering some snacks and i had to confess i was lactose intolerant and that i have the most incredible love/hate relationship with cheese that anyone could imagine, and that i wrote the profile after about a bottle of wine was coursing through my bloodstream and therefore did not remember writing that--yeahhh, at all.

so much for sheer honesty. but i guess that's what they mean by saving a little bit of mystery


and you know, waiting for the second date to discuss your poop-and-vomit-induced allergies. gotta keep it cute, you know?