for mistakes

we all make mistakes. as my mother says,

thats why pencils have erasers.

a large part of my livelihood is based on this fact. people make mistakes and that is why we have erasers, whiteout, the undo button, editors, and proofreaders.

the hope is that we learn from our mistakes.

and while fear is a big motivator of--and, unfortunately, perpetuator of--ignorance, i think that the one thing i have learned from my own mistaken ignorance is even more terrifying: shutting off my brain to new ideas is the most destructive and self-destructive thing i have ever done..

if not the most life-threatening.

and so what am i to do? certainly not just sit back and keep my mouth shut. long gone are those days. and, it seems, this is ok.

facebook, the digital soapbox present in the larger part of the past decade of my life, lets us like just about anything so that our facebook friends can see what our views, beliefs, and interests are. whats more, is we can comment on these things, like these events, and converse on these issues.

being a writer, i have to make a choice when i write: am i going to worry about what my audience is going to think, or am i going to just write?

the only advice i have ever heard repeated time and again on this issue:
just write.

so that is what i do. thats why i have this blog in the 1st place.

yesterday tho, i made a huge mistake. i did not write on this blog, as i should have. i confused my bearing on appropriateness versus saying what i thought people should be made aware of.


i saw a notification about some friends who had liked a particular vice-presidential candidate of a particular party which scares the living daylights out of me. it is so scary to me that this candidate's party actually has supporters. i see this party as only negative, and only attempting to take rights, insurance coverage, and funding away from americans. sure, it stands for some other stuff. and those things might actually be positive for our country.

but could my friends who are supporting these politicians via facebook actually be aware of such outright commitments to hate and discrimination?

no way.

i thought.

they must have forgotten somewhere along the way. theres no way anyone i know would choose such an evil force to preside over our laws and regulations, if they knew about the damaging promises these phonies have made and are going to keep. especially if they claim to be my friend. worse, especially if they claim to love any homosexual, or woman, or both.

so i challenged my facebook friends to think about these things. and asked that if they still thought they would vote for the more-evil party, to unfriend me. i just dont want to sit back and watch any friend of mine promote making a big, big mistake for this great country that prides itself on being free, with equal rights for all.

without further ado here i present that post to you. i have removed the names that appeared on the right-hand side of my screen with this notification, but i do ask that all of us consider the consequences of sharing our thoughts, ideals, beliefs, and political stances for all to see and know, before doing so. cuz someone out there probably doesnt agree. and they might make sure that we hear about it. and probably, we should hear about it. what is the point, otherwise? i do not know. i always have taken these challenges of others in stride, but it was an error to expect that everyone else would, too. so, down comes the facebook post, and up comes this more appropriately placed post.


ok wait..do i have to un-friend you ppls? this just ruined my happy friday and most of my happy-in-general life:
 ---, ---, and --- like Paul Ryan VP.

i hope y'all been hacked! i mean cuz like..ima go home and vomit all over myself now. and probably get preggo and not remember it and then claim to be raped. cuz that's what we women do: we can't control ourselves! we only use birth control to avoid being visibly sexually active. otherwise we couldn't go around having sex all the time instead of using our brains, u know? that's the only reason we need it. aside from being women, pre-existingly-so, u know..cuz that means so much. aside from about 20 reasons off the top of my head i should not ever have to explain to any1 but my doctor. so yeah, if only any of that, i wouldn't need any of it! why would i even have to say i'm a woman and state that fact on my health insurance, ever? it's not like it's strange that it's any1's business. right? i mean, i should definitely be discriminated against and robbed of money and health care more than any1 else..cuz i'm a woman.

it's definitely good that paul ryan is a part of the (gay-hating, marriage-non-equality--promising-by-already-signed-pledge) party to be a vice of the dude who won't even release his tax returns in order to even somewhat suggest he has ever paid 1 single cent in taxes towards anything our government does (u know, maybe health care or something.. or even like, his paycheck as a governor or his dream of getting paid for being our president.. or u know, something like that.. hrmmm who pays for that? not any "real" married couple i know--right, mrs. romney? not even by state. definitely not.) cuz i'm sure he is totally a stand-up guy. this definitely makes me feel good about being an american woman.

oh wait! i forgot! god. right. i forgot about god. of course i did. cuz i'm a sinner. the only. plus, well, i'm gay so i'm probably the biggest sinner of all women. who cares about any separation of church and state, anyway. all that matters is the fact that i am just not to be saved, by the church or by the state.

what i want is this: if any of u r going to vote republican in november, thinking about any of these factors, un-friend me RIGHT NOW. and then, imagine what you've just done.


for something super

you wanna see something


this tuesday?

i really wish i could have accidentally achieved somethin super this tuesday. like, the glitter-bombing of really ANY candidate today. obviously delivered by yours truly. for serious.

i actually walked around with some glitter


in my pocket


all day today

[all year, actually..its been at the bottom of my purse since my boo's last bday, when i put a bunch of it into a card and put said card into my bag, without sealing its envelope, and brought it to work to then write out, fill, then mail..but some/all of that confetti fell out in my bag]

..just in case. but, hey. tough noogies. i didnt. so ima shuut up about it. cuz you know what they say.. the road to hell is glittered with


but really. if you wanna see something special this tuesday, i say you hurrry the fuck up as it is 10:30PM here in brooklyn so youve only got 89 minutes to get to a mirror!


for an open-minded jeweler

yeah, its true: this blog is the product of the laziest writer you ever did meet in ur whole damn life. i am truly the laziest person i know. all around me the people i know are creating beautiful art, sprinkling their talents out on the world, doing what they were put here to do. and then theres me..not writing

(even tho i magically came upon a free copy of microsoft office a few weeks ago and said, "well now i have no excuse. thank you, universe. now i can finish my novel." i even installed it. and converted my open office files back into word files. and did about one day's worth of work and put it away.)

sure i write some at work, but that is to pay the bills..not to feed my soul. not exactly filling the space im meant to. at least, not completely filling my space here. in that one capacity.

one thing i know i was put here to do, i am doing, i think to the fullest: loving the love of my life.

for two years as of tomorrow, actually. and i was never in a relationship this long, so this is a really big deal for me. but the best part of it is that these have been the happiest two years of my adult life.

and i remember when my brother told me how he asked monica to marry him.. he told me she couldnt have been that surprised b/c he always said that if they were together for two years that would mean they could get engaged. that was his marker. and i thought, "yeah, that's fair. that's a long time."

and so here we are. and it happens to be christmas time. and i keep seeing all of these damn jewelry store commercials on television, ads in between words with friends games, telling erryone to buy your diamonds here! get engaged with our beautiful rings! its christmas! its snowing! youre in love! celebrate! give her the eternity ring! every lady wants to show her friends that her man knows what she wants, get her THE diamond cut of NOW!

..and im like, what man?

i started thinking, like, when's there gonna be a gay couple on one of these commercials? whats up with that? who will be the first jeweler to do it? how could there not be ONE even SLIGHTLY ambiguous commercial out there thats speaking to me and my fellow gays?  

not a one!?

and then my friend tranda shared this with me. and i know its gotten some play -- quite a bit, actually -- but i just wish it'd make it on to the ol' boob tube.

maybe next holiday season. for now tho, there's no rush for us. we celebrate our love every day. and two years might be a good tell, but i knew the moment i set eyes on this one that she was it. rings will come when they come, commercial acceptance or not.

happy holidays my friends.


for being able to leave the hospital world

i'm sitting here in the friends and family surgery lounge at the jersey shore university medical center, waiting for kcface to get out of back surgery. and guys, the hospital world is so strange.

i remember my mother coming home each night after being with my nana all day in the hospital, and telling my father and i about her day. it was always hard to act enthralled when she'd go into details about dealing with nurses and doctors and the meals she'd had that day and the people she sat with in the waiting room while this person i didnt even know was visiting, and things like that. it was a lot of the same things over and over. and she really knew that hospital through and through. so much so, that when i visited my nana in the hospital, i felt as if i was also visiting my mother's hangout those days. she knew every turn of that place.

and that is not something you want to be able to say.

you dont want to know a hospital like that. cuz if you do, it means two things:  someone you love is really sick, and your brain is full of knowledge you didnt want.

you know what time they clean the bathroom on the floor your person is on. you know which bathroom is hidden and always clean to begin with. you know what they have on fridays in the cafeteria, and you know the most direct way to the parking garage where you park on the basement level b/c you know no1 else wants to, so there are always spots open--even near the entrance. you know which nurses to talk to, and you know which people are nurses in the 1st place.

and, the smell of the food in the hospital might not even make you nauseous, but elicit hunger and remind you to eat.

i hafta say, the food here is pretty tasty. i had some chicken fingers and garlic and herb mashed potatoes a few hours ago, and a fresh nectarine. but now, as im anxiously awaiting the completion of my boo's post-surgery recovery, a few people around me are eating their late lunch and it is making me want to throw up. their food smells absolutely disgusting..straight up, like sick ppl food. actually, like makepeoplesick food. it smells like salt and fat and industrial-sized everything. and a side of preservatives. why these ppl think its ok to make everyone else watch and smell them eat their lunch, i do not know. plus, these ppl are fat and talking about how fast they eat, chose beef barely over chicken noodle, and how they took all the sprouts and veggies out of their tuna salad wrap and ha-ha isnt that funny?

(no, actually, it isnt.) 

but i guess things get funny when youre staring at these walls all day long, trying not to let the worry and concern overcome you. surgery has to go fine, even if they are messing with your spine. blagh. i cannot really handle any of these details though. i couldnt tell you what the hell they did to her back. something was coming out. and now my ankles are weak and tingling at just typing that.

seriously. i dunno what i think im doing here, trying to be supportive. i cant handle this shit! when i was 5 years old my sister came home from a sweet sixteen with a gash in the top of her foot and i took one look at it and collapsed. out cold. bam. down on the kitchen floor. no thanks. dont wanna talk about blood and guts. but maybe this is why i get so lost in hospitals. today, i went down for my bite to eat before my honeybee went into surgery and i came back almost an hour later. maybe i didnt get lost, but just, you know, redirected by my daze of squeamishness. i dont know. but it happens all the time.

visiting my grandmother once, i tried to find the bathroom and ended up three floors down, in the laundry room where there were bed sheets hanging all over the place and as i tried to navigate through there, i thought for sure someone was going to come running out of the next line of sheets being chased by someone with a chainsaw and a crazyleathermaskface.

(they didnt.)

another time i ended up in the detox wing thats supposed to be totally confidential and supersecretlockedup, but wandering around with this pretty face will get some doors opened for you it seems cuz i made it all the way through, looking for the name i needed on all the doors, without anyone stopping me. when i couldnt find her name, i stopped someone in scrubs and i asked for my grandmother. i said which part of the hospital she was in, and they freaked out saying HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE and escorted me out, directing me back to the front of the whole hospital.

what a maze! how am i supposed to know where im going? you ask where the cafeteria is and the person with a sandwich in their hand goes, "it's right through those doors" but really it isnt and you end up on another floor where youre pretty sure you shouldnt be, cuz no1 else is wearting anything but scrubs and all the doors say TEAM MEMBER ACCESS and youre like, are they talking about the same team im talking about? but they definitely arent so you keep walking until now you have to pee and have seen enough icky-looking medical waste boxes that you dont even want to find a cafeteria anymore, and the very smell of hospital food has your stomach turning over and over. i dont care how many maps they put up, im going to get lost in a hospital and end up seeing more than i want to of it.

and i guess it is a part of life. we get sick, and we need to go to the place where they make you better. but i dont know..it feels like another universe of turns and doors and arrows going nowhere and time spent waiting for things to happen and not happen, and its just its a bloody puzzle getting around in that place! and while im glad to keep it that way, i got worried i wasnt going to make it back to see my kc before she was sent to the operating room.

but i did. and im really happy that i got to see my sugar before her operation. cuz im pretty sure that when she gets out of recovery she'll be seeing me with two heads riding a unicorn or something like that, and i'd rather her know i didnt get lost on the way to the cafeteria, somehow wind up in her strange anesthesia world, and come back out looking like that. but, here goes nothing. luckily, she is ok and the surgery went well. now lets just hope she isnt so delirious that she tells me any gory details about the procedure or i'll end up in the bed next to her.


for killing monsters

last friday, when tranda was all “omg a huge roach just ran across the platform right in front of my flip-flopped foot” it occurred to me that i hadnt seen a single waterbug all season. the last time i’d seen one was in the fall, in the basement bathroom of my favorite neighborhood sports bar.

(which will remain unnamed as it gets crowded enuff as it is on a sunday, and i don’t need all five of you going there n potentially snagging the last seat at the bar before i can get there, the next time i go to watch my jets. ive been lucky so far with this place, but not only do i have THE WORST LUCK but i also am one of the slowest-moving humans walking the earth so it’s actually a wonder ive made it to said bar before the games are over, ever. not to mention getting a seat. so i'm not gonna mess with that luck. tuff noogies.)

i told the cute bartender sarah that there was a monster in the bathroom and that someone should probably kill it. she sent a dude downstairs to deal with the slaughter and that was that. it’s been about nine months since then and i had the luck of not seeing a SINGLE waterbug monster in all that time.

and that is sure saying a LOT guys. 

for a little over a year of my life, i could hardly go one week without seeing one of those bastards.

no, really. 

when karen, amy, n i lived in astoria together, us poor girls had like, and uncountable number of other, uninvited roommates. we experienced all kindsa roaches--long skinny light brown ones that died in our utensil drawers, small blackish ones that scurried behind the counter when we turned on the kitchen lights, fat round dark brown ones with hard shells. i saw a centipede scurry up the wall out of the corner of my eye as i was watching tv one night. we had a mouse that liked to gnaw on our bags of bread on top of the fridge and poop next to the coffee maker so we never knew if the mess was mouse crap or coffee grounds.

(i cleaned those counters a little fanatically)

then there was that rat in the wall for a couple of weeks that was surely trying to get thru to the other side..to join us and all the other damn pests..

(but then we got one of those lil things u plug into the wall thats supposed to send waves out to scare various vermin off..and it worked i guess cuz the nightly scratching inside the wall finally stopped.. anyway, that gadget did nothing to deter those waterbugs. man. what a bummer that was.)

on the day we looked at this totally infested apartment we really shoulda been suspicious of the extra-large-roach traps that were all over the place. and maybe we should have refused to park our stuff there until the


landlord promised to deliver on some actual, professional exterminating after my three-year-old nephew's wee-wee almost got hopped on by one of those damn monster waterbugs as he was trying to pee in the toilet on that very day.. i mean, poor lil guy, he was probably able to count on one hand the number of times he had peed in a toilet so far in his life, and this MONSTER is in the toilet while he's trying to do so and all his mother could do was scream and make his father go in there and kill the bug with a broom..i mean, it wasnt as if i could ignore this dramz goin down, u know? so i shouldve really had some hesitations about calling this place my new home before making some pest-control decisions, but u know what?

love is blind, bitches!

we loved that place! so, we stocked up on some cans of raid and threw some more of those ridiculously large roach traps around the apt and that was that. whatever. maybe it was just that one waterbug. probably. yeah.

but.. then we started to get some visits. 

like the night i reached over to my nightstand for a sip of water and saw something scurry from under my bed to under the nightstand..and just ignored it. i was probably seeing things, i thought. well, i should say, i very drunkenly determined and then passed out..

or the morning i awoke about two hours before the alarm to some screaming and slamming and a little more shouting and then.. nothing. i was a little alarmed, but honestly i did not want to know what might have caused this yelling if it involved having to defeat some terrifying beasts. alas, i found out a couple of hours later that the most horrible thing ever had happened to amy.

she was sleeping, pleasantly, when she slowly woke up. she heard that light scratching on her pillow that anyone with long hair or sleeping partners with long hair hear thru the night. she thought, oh, my hair must be blowing across the pillow! but then she realized that her hair could not have been blowing across her pillow, as there was no window open in her bedroom, and she did not have a fan on.. so she opened her sleepy, almost-blind, contactless eyes, and turned a bit to the left, to see what was beside her making all this noise. and of course, it was a waterbug. right there. in her face. in her hair. on the pillow.

cue screaming, panic, broom-killing-of-monster-waterbug, etc.

amy never slept without her glasses on, ever again in that place. mostly she never slept in that apartment ever again because she could simply not relax. who could, after that? we saw several other of these jerk bugs loitering around rather consistently, so its not like amy ever got to put this terrible awakening behind her. so yeah. stuff like that happened and us poor ladies were a bit tortured. so not seeing those stupid bugs for a bit, like, a whole season..it was pretty great.

but then friday afternoon struck. i was just sitting at my desk, finishing up some work, when my coworker tina jumped up from her desk. a waterbug had crawled over her foot. and then..disappeared.

like, really? that can just happen? at work? in an office? why?! why can that just happen? why are these things always showing up where and when they want to? what do they want?! they're large enuff to see us as equals so maybe they just want to befriend us..? too bad they don't know shit and don't know that i'm not friends with anyone ugly, and maybe theyd leave me the fuck alone if thats actually what they want, cuz anyone who scares the shit out of me and/or my friends must be ugly inside, and out..and i hate them. jerks. really! unkillable jerks.

so i stand up and start lookin around. i know that monster is nowhere near where it had been seen making human-contact, so i go towards a darker area, and peer under carlos's desk to find this waterbug. of course, i saw it scurry out from under his desk, and then i screamed. i ran, waving my arms around all willynilly, shaking my head back and forth, picking my feet up real high, and found myself at the other side of the office.

ok. maybe i just darted across the office and let out a yelp, but whatever. it got someone's attention and the damn thing got deaded by another coworker, my hero of the hour. thank goodness.

i am so over pests. of any kind. and so, when my friend dave sent me this story and i realized that these guys were actually monsters, and they might be uprooted by this damn hurricane, i decided it was time to  start walking around with a tiger. idk where i'm getting this damn tiger, but if u guys have any leads short of robbing a zoo, get at me.

bottom line: remember that irene's wrath doesnt end with her wind and rain. we might have a bunch of monsters floating around in our neighborhoods cuz they been kicked outta their buildings, just like us. but, unlike us, they do not die easily. so hey, if u make it, whatever u gotta do to kill 'em, do it. good luck out there neighbors.


for pest week

just a little forewarning. i've got a little bit of hatred towards pests. and,  if you didnt already know that, youre gonna be finding that out in the next couple of days. 

and so, i hereby declare:

it's pest week, hookers!


for being totally emotional

this past weekend i attended the bridal shower of one of my very dear friends, amy. a bridal shower, i must add, that was intended to be a surprise. and if mz amy wasnt a real-life space cadet, i wouldve hands-down ruined that surprise all in one big idiotic swoop.

have i mentioned my bad luck?

i dont think i have. i will be sure to fill you in some other day, but for now all you need to know is i have it, and without even meaning to prove it, here is this quick* story.

the trains out to the town on long island i needed to get to for the shower were only leaving every two hours. i decided that instead of sitting in a strange town for two hours before the shower started, i’d pay a lil visit to my parents.

so i headed out to my hometown. where amy is also from, and currently living. i dont even normally go to that train station. usually i intend on going there for convenience’s sake, but miss that train and have to get the next one, which takes me to another town over. but of course on this day, i made it. not only did i make it, but i had time to walk down to the back of the train so that my father could pick me up where he likes to pick us up at that station. as i exit the train in my hometown, it occurs to me that im asking for trouble. my father will be waiting just four blocks from where amy lives. what if she is out for a run, or driving to the deli for a breakfast sandwich? she thinks i am in new jersey this weekend with my lady!

well, i figure the chances are quite slim that she’ll be passing by in the 30 seconds i’ll be walking down the steps and getting into the car—which they are—and i let it go.

walk down steps. see dad. watch footing on steps. hop into car, smiling, hello!

i close the car door and kiss my dad on the cheek and turn to put on my seatbelt and—there goes amy jogging by on the other side of the street!  

you. have got. to be kidding.

i changed my pick-me-out-of-a-crowd sunglasses to my tame, black ones, threw the seat into recline and made my dad turn the opposite way of her so we could escape unseen.

(you know, cuz if my friend thought she saw me, in my parents’ car, reclined in the front seat, but i WASN’T wearing my usual colorful fun sunglasses, she would assume it was not me, and that i was not hiding. for sure.)

dad says amy doesnt seem to be paying attention, so i assume she was just you know, running. not seeing. cuz if she DID see me, the surprise is ruined. she already has to know something is up cuz she specifically asked me what i was doing this weekend, what the party was for in jerz, and which day it was..

it turns out, sometimes we have our own heads so far up our own asses that we cant fathom that someone might not be thinking about us, all the time, or spending time considering every interaction we’ve had with that person. i mean, its either that, or amy was totally surprised because she really is a total ditz. it turns out she DID see me, and was too tired to run across the street and say hello, and was going to text me later. she just thought something happened and i didnt go away. no big deal. she still “knew” she was going to her [fake] make-a-wish fundraiser at the country club with her aunt. why would she question that? yeah. i think i got lucky.  

after getting very unlucky with that timing.

well what i wanted to share with you all

(in uncontainable excitement for the jersey shore season premiere tonight)

is that i found myself admitting to “being a crier” at my table of women at this shower. my tablemates were all talking about getting emotional over commercials and greeting cards and feeling silly about it

(oh, haha.. well they sure do excellent marketing tests..they really get ya..yeah, ha-ha..)

and then, like word vomit, it was out on the table: i cried at the end of last season’s finale of jersey shore. and let me tell you, i was not crying over its sad reflection of society

i was moved to tears when snookie and j-wow parted ways at the end of the summer and realized they are best friends and would miss each other terribly in their time apart. honestly, i was brought right back to the end of freshman year of college when shannon and i had packed up our room at bowdoin and were getting into our parents’ cars and saying goodbye and we cried and cried. my dad didnt say a word as we pulled away from the dorm and i tried to cover up the fact that i was so, so sad and hadn’t really realized until that moment that i’d found a new best friend that year and i was going to be lost without her in my living space for the next couple of months apart. but it was true.

so yeah, the jersey shore made me cry. there you have it. lets hope tonight’s new episode makes me laugh, instead, and feel smart and together-ish in comparison to these people, cuz that’s why i finally caved in the first place and started watching the damn show last season when i got hooked. yep, thats also true: after like only three episodes of the season i felt for those girls and cried right along with them at the end of the season. its cool. im secure enough with my edginess to admit that im also a huge sucker for anything mildly moving, whether or not i know the people involved at all.

*not actually so quick.